Over the years there is one thing I have learned about myself. There are only two days all year when I am hungry. These two days are Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. On any other normal day, I will wake up and run around crazy - sometimes forgetting to even think about food until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. But on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, I wake up with my stomach growling - every time!
Fasting has been a difficult practice for me to master. I normally do a great job until about 2 in the afternoon. Once 2 pm hits, I find myself glancing at the clock every 15 minutes or so, just thinking about what time dinner will be served. At about the same time, I begin a little inner conversation with myself:
Me: It’s not like you’re going to go hungry
Me2: I know, I know
Me: People are starving all over the world and you’re just fasting until dinner…
Me2: I’m pathetic, what can I say
Me: I promise you aren’t going to die from lack of food
Then I shake myself out of it, determined not to look again at the clock for a good long while, but instead to concentrate on the task at hand realizing that I will indeed live until dinner time.
When dinnertime arrives, I am always amazed at how much better the food tastes. Even the most simple of meals make my taste buds dance and I am reminded how often I take food and access to it for granted.
Finally it’s the last push before bedtime….I have a tendency to snack either while reading or sitting in front of the television. But I am determined not to cave in during these most challenging fasting days. Eventually, I promise myself that if I am still awake once it hits midnight, I will sneak down to the kitchen and reward my self-denial with chocolate and a glass of milk! Inevitably I fall asleep and I wake the next day with food still on my mind but a big smile of success on my lips.
The gift of self-denial comes in the knowledge that I am stronger than my bodily weaknesses. It is a moment of engaging the will to overcome the passions. This practice creates strong character and the ability to confront temptation. On fasting days, the temptation is food but developing a strong will can be brought in to overcome other temptations. Self-denial seeks to help the soul choose what is right and good, especially when that choice is a difficult one to make.
February 2012
2 posts
I’ve been gearing up for this day for a long time: Ash Wednesday, the beginning of my Lenten journey. It’s been on my radar for months now. Some time last Fall, my spiritual director mentioned that he felt it would be good practice for me to add some silence to my life. You can’t hear God speaking in all the distractions of the world, he reminded me.
I am by nature what I would call a happy person. I don’t consider myself to be extremely loud or insensitive to situations around me, but I have been called “too friendly” (whatever that means!). I like to laugh - a lot. A colleague once said that he hopes his family laughs as much as mine does. I was momentarily affronted, but he assured me this was a good thing. There’s not enough laughter in the world, he said.
So over the past few months, this idea of silence has been percolating around in my head in between all the chatter and noise that make up most of my days. Then, last week, I made an announcement: for Lent I would be giving up some of the noise in my life.
I didn’t know then what that would look like. I discussed it with my teen daughter and she encouraged me to consider being silent for one hour every day during Lent. Start small, she told me.
I reflected back on what these good people have been sharing with me over the past few months and I agreed it was time to put some real effort into finding some balance between all this laughter and listening to God in the silence.
As our good God so often does, I received confirmation that this indeed was what He had in mind for me this Lent: a great article over at Catholicmom.com about silence spoke volumes to my soul and I do believe Br. Mark Thelen, LC wrote this piece just for me!
So after I finished work for the day, I headed out to the Chapel to spend an hour in silence. I went all by myself. I only brought 1 prayer book. I took some deep breaths and plunged in. I didn’t want to spend the time reciting rote prayers, doing devotions or reading the Bible. I wanted to empty my mind and listen.
I spent a good long time in solid meditation. I worked hard to keep my mind on the task at hand. When I was sure that I was making some real headway, I chanced a glance at my watch: 18 whole minutes.
I spent the remaining 42 minutes chasing songs out of my head, trying not to focus on remembering to call the dentist, mulling over whether there would be enough money for a vacation this summer…. I probably should have counted how many times I thought to say “Get behind me Satan”.
But in the end, I had a great 18 minutes with our Lord and I still have 39 days to work on those other 42 minutes!
